Wednesday, May 12, 2010

A Fighter With No Fight

Does this ever happen to you? You have all of these emotions, built up, ready to burst. You feel like a balloon, malleable, adaptable, but when push comes to shove, and you open up that page, ready to write down everything that you're feeling, letting it explode onto the page, your balloon has popped, and the pieces left behind have shrunken back into the lies of manufactured rubber that you always were.

I feel like this happens to me all the time. There's so much going on, and then when I come to write about it, I have no clue what to say. There's no words for what I need to say, and then I just feel stupid for opening up a blog in the first place, when all I'm really doing is wasting my time. Emotions are so over-rated. Maybe I'm just feeling slightly overwhelmed. Maybe I'm maturing.

I got my haircut yesterday. More than a foot cut off. It looks really good; I'm quite pleased. And I noticed today that I seemed to be walking around with more of a natural confidence, the kind that I used to have. But then I look around. A bunch of my friends have gotten together, and I feel like I haven't had that kind of attention since last year, with my last boyfriend, and even still... He wasn't that fantastic. I feel horrible about myself. I feel like the only way I'm going to get that kind of attention is if I was skinny. If I looked around at all of the relationships in my school, more than 75% of them are with skinny girls. That makes me feel like crap. And then, of course, I came home and watched Glee, and it happened to be the episode where Mercedes realizes that she doesn't have to be skinny to get attention. But what did that do? It just made me feel stupid for caring about it in the first place. But I do. I can't deny the fact that I care about what other people think about me. Sure, I don't sweat the small stuff. I shrug it off and let it go. But the bigger stuff? Everything else? That scares the crap out of me, and it hurts me.

I think I have this fantasy in my head of what I look like on the inside, which is why I cringe when I walk near a mirror or a reflective surface. Remember that song? The one from Mulan? "Why can't my reflection show who I am inside?" Why can't it? Or at least, why can people only see what's on the outside. I feel like if I was skinny, people would like me more, and then I flip out and get upset, and that only brings me to eat more (because I don't know about you, but I definitely eat when I'm upset...)

Sometimes I feel like I think differently than the rest of the world; that everyone else only sees what isn't important; talent, looks and clothes. I shop at Target. I can't afford Hollister clothes. I can't afford American Eagle or Abrecrombie and Fitch or Areo. I'm not that girl. I'm not the kind of girl who can eat as much as she wants and still be the size of a twig. I wish I was. I just... I needed to rant. And so I did. But honestly, I've lost what makes me who I am, and I don't want to be the kind of person who grovels at people for scraps of attention, which is what I've become.

Just forget it all.